I had to say goodbye to my baby today

I had to say goodbye to my world Charlie this morning, and I feel like I can’t breathe.

Charlie is my everything. He’s been with me for almost 15 years. He’s my constant, my best friend, my little soulmate. I’ve been single most of these years, and it’s always been me and Charlie. He moved to Spain with me from the US for 6 years and to a few different states. he rides around the city with me in a backpack on my moped. He travels all over for work with me, even in helicopters and once in a private plane. He comes everywhere.

He’s my sweet angel baby. He has a hundred nicknames, a million silly voices I talk to him in. Every morning I wake up excited to go find him and give him a kiss while he’s still sleeping. I love going into the kitchen with him after our morning walk. He eats breakfast while I make my coffee, then we go sit together in the living room. It’s the best part of my day. After work, I always go straight home because my baby boy is waiting to go outside and get his dinner. He needs me. And I love being needed by him.

There was little Spanish woman in my building in Spain who would always light up when she saw us and says, “Ah, mira! Angela y su perrito,” like that’s our shared name. We’re a package deal. Not just Angela. Angela y su perrito.

I don’t know how to do this. My body physically hurts. I feel sick. Everything in my routine feels broken. I keep reaching for him, looking for him. I’ve never known my adult life without him. The house is too quiet. I feel so lost.

If you’ve been through this, how did you keep going? How do you deal with needing someone who’s no longer here? I wish there was someone that loved him like i did so I could share the pain. I feel so alone in my mourning even though I have support of family and friends

I just miss him so much.