First day without my best friend

I wrote it yesterday. I hope you don’t mind me posting it here.

I need to vent a little, I hope you don’t mind. Today was the first day without my 15 years and 7 months old Tuppy. I woke up, and he was my first thought. It hit me all over again. My eyes were still swollen from crying the entire day yesterday. Tuppy passed away around 12:48 in the afternoon on Monday. I didn’t know we were going to put him to sleep. I’m still in shock because, at the vet’s office, he suddenly got worse and started suffocating. It was his last moments, maybe his last hours either way. At least we were able to let him go peacefully. He would’ve died from suffocation, so I feel some sense of relief that it was his time either way, and that we didn’t do it too soon. We went to the vet just to get him X-rays, but we came home without him. I wish I had known that before, but no one knew.

I feel so bad because while we were waiting for our turn at the vet’s office, I kept telling him that we’d be home soon. I didn’t know it would end like this. I’m so sorry, Tuppy. I really didn’t know. I truly wanted to bring you back home. Back to the rest of our family. To your bed. To your favorite treats. To your toys. I’m so sorry.

I had to work today, and it was so hard to hold back the tears. I managed. No one noticed. But when everyone left, I burst into tears. The pain is unbearable. I don’t want to live without him. I don’t know life without him, because I’ve had him since I was little. Tell me how I’m supposed to learn to live without him. I was counting how many hours had passed since he left. When 24 hours passed, I cried. I see the spot where his bed was, and I cry. I look up at the sky, and I cry. I see the spot where his food bowls used to be, and I cry. I see his fur on my bedsheets, and I cry.

I think about how my life will look now. One week without him, then one month, one year, 10 years, 20 years. It feels so unreal. He was here my whole life. I keep saying, “I don’t know what to do,” because I feel this pain, and nothing is helping. It’s like my body can’t take it anymore, and I just want to “do something.” Something that will ease the pain. But nothing is working. It’s only been a day, but it feels like 1,000 years. I think to myself, “He was here yesterday,” but, like I said, it feels like so little time has passed and, at the same time, like so much time has passed.

I haven’t left my house since he passed, but I had to go to work. After I finished, I broke down. I kept telling myself that I didn’t want to go home because he wouldn’t be there to greet me at the door. So yeah, it was my first time coming home without Tuppy standing by the door, sniffing me and running around. I miss him so much.