my friend, Xai. we put her to sleep last night.

Yesterday, my parents and I decided to say goodbye to our dog Xai Xai. She was 15, only about 2 years younger than me. I got her as a gift from my grandmother and shes been through nearly everything with us. everytime we moved, all our road trips and beach walks. she was a real angel, quiet and graceful and super fluffy.

she had developed an oral tumor that burst yesterday, she also couldn't really get up the stairs anymore so I carried her up and down her last few days, she'd learnt to be ready for it and stood all excited by the steps.

it was incredibly stormy yesterday, strong winds and heavy rain. it was a very odd feeling carrying her into the vet across the street in the rain. I've lost people before and I've always considered myself far less prone to feeling grief or loss since I'd never really felt sad when people from my family died. but this time it's different, maybe it's because I was close to her but there's this quiet feeling. it's very surreal, I can't describe it. it all happened so quickly, even though I was prepared for it. it seemed like time just sped up and it was over so fast.

I'm glad I stayed with her and gave her pets while she passed, and I'm grateful I was able to spend so much time with her, even if I don't remember much of it.

may you rest in peace, Xai .