it’s been about a month now since we had to put my childhood dog miley down. 🤍
we got her as a puppy when i was four, and i named her after miley cyrus (obviously from my favourite childhood show, hannah montana. 😭🤍 it’s strange trying to come to terms with the fact that she’s no longer around, especially when she was such a constant presence in my life for as long as i can remember. i still have the impulse to go let her out in the mornings, feed her at night, and check on her to clean up her old lady messes (poor girl had neurological problems that eventually led to incontinence and, eventually, the loss of use of her hind legs). it’s the little routines that seem to hurt the most sometimes, because i spent so many years doing them without ever having to think about the fact that one day i wouldn’t be able to anymore.
honestly, the only thing that’s really helped me through the grieving process has been rescuing two beautiful kitties in the weeks after her passing. without my girls, the house felt so strange and quiet. i was so used to the sound of miley walking around all day, having her cuddle up with me on the sofa, and just knowing she was there. it’s difficult to explain how much you can miss the presence of an animal until you’re suddenly living in a house where they aren’t anymore. i miss her so much, and i don’t think i fully realised just how much space she occupied in my life until that space was suddenly empty.
sometimes i have to comfort myself with the fact that she lived to be 18 years old, that she was incredibly spoiled, and that she got to live a very long life surrounded by people who loved her. her favourite thing in the world was always running and jumping through the long grass in the fields near where i live, and i think that’s how i want to remember her. just being happy, doing what she loved most. she always adored her walks and never quite grew out of pulling on her lead because she was so eager to run ahead, even when it eventually became too dangerous to let her off lead due to changes in her behaviour around strangers as she got older and became more unwell. 😭😭
i wish i could’ve done a lot of things differently, of course. i think the regrets are the hardest part of losing her, because no matter how much you loved them or how hard you tried, it’s so easy to look back and wonder whether you could’ve done more. i know she had a good life, but i still wish i could go back and have a little more time with her.
i think one of the things that comforts me most is knowing that she would’ve loved my cats as much as i do, and that loving them doesn’t mean i love her any less. i wish she could’ve met them, even if only for a little while, and i wish she could’ve been here to see them settle in and make the house feel like home again.
i’ve had miley since i was four years old. she was there for so much of my childhood and growing up, and it feels strange trying to imagine the rest of my life without her in it. eighteen years is such a long time to love something, but somehow it still doesn’t feel like enough. i’ll always be grateful that i got to be her person for as long as i did. 🤍