R.I.P Linda

I’ve been here and there on this reddit. I prayed the day would never come but I knew i’d eventually have to make the decision. Last night I woke up to find my dog laying in her own pee mat and she had peed on it. This is very out of normal behavior and what made it weirder was when I approached her, she didn’t immediately stand up like she usually does (she has bad eye sight and no hearing due to age). I had to pick her up and move her to the bed and she still didn’t bother standing up.

I took this as the last straw in watching my best friend and dog who saved my life when I was younger suffer any longer. I cried myself to sleep thinking about the decision I had to make. And when I woke up, I felt immense guilt going to work instead of spending the day with her. I finished work ASAP and went home to her. We layed together for a while and eventually she did what shes been doing for the past year and a half. She starts crying/whimpering for no specific reason. I give her space and let her be.

On the drive to the vet, she was freaking out in the car and crying. This was incredibly hard to sit through because I didn’t know if this was her fighting for her life, for me to change my mind or if this was her discomfort from being in a strange place. Eventually we got to the vet and after some time, they had to give her these meds so she would relax enough to put the catheter in. I know her quality of life wasn’t the best, she didn’t do the things she did when she was a puppy, she couldn’t see or hear. Dental disease. The vet said she potentially had skin and ear infection. I swore that I wouldn’t let her suffer any longer. Still an impossible decision to make.

When I finally gave the okay to pump anesthesia, she started crying for like 2 seconds. The vet said that she got startled because of the difference in liquid temperature. I kept crying and asking why she was crying. The guilt I had felt before had doubled, even trippled. I can’t help but feel like her last moments were painful and in a room where she wasn’t even comfortable enough to know I was by her side the entire time. After she passed, I stayed with her in the room alone for over an hour. I couldn’t bring myself to leave her. I felt so bad that her final moments were a cry. It may sound messed up but I had prayed that she passed in her sleep. That way I wouldn’t have to make the decision.

I don’t know if I was to rash. Too hasty. Theres no doubt in my mind that if I didn’t do this, she would have survived for who knows how much longer but.. I know that she would still be crying/whimpering daily and still bump into furniture and get startled when I walk by. The vet told me shes probably living in a constant state of confusion. Only being able to tell from scent and touch.

I’ll never be able to forgive myself for letting her get this bad (in the sense that shes not all there. Yeah she can survive but thats the bare minimum. I don’t think she was happy). She saved me from making myself incompatible with life and I was selfish and kept her around while she suffered just to save my heart from heartache. I know shes in doggy heaven and I truly did not deserve her. I only wish that shes at peace now and i’ll remember her until the day I die. When I finally pass, the first thing I do will be to find her and apologize for everything I put her through. I only hope she can forgive me for being so selfish..