Not sure I did the right thing… I love you, girlie

I’m having a hard time with whether or not I did the right thing for my 14yo ACD mix, Piper.

I had brought her to the emergency vet in October for ataxia and quick, full-body shivering episodes (that were later diagnosed as focal seizures). The only thing they found that day was high blood pressure and she was put on meds for both the blood pressure and seizures. While she did seem to improve, the focal seizures only lessened and never totally went away. Both ED and my normal vet mentioned the possibility of a brain tumor causing both symptoms.

Fast forward to the end of February, when she had eye surgery that I still regret to this day. Her eye had been bloodshot since the summer (our normal vet checked it out multiple times but couldn’t find anything) and it had recently started bugging her. The ophthalmologist said she needed a CCT and had an indolent ulcer, but she never seemed to fully heal. She seemed to be in more pain from her eye after the surgery than she did before.

Just over two weeks later, she had an appointment at a speciality hospital with internal medicine (initially suggested after our emergency visit in October), neurology and ophthalmology. Her focal seizures had been getting more frequent, even while on Kepra. The neurologist upped her dose and we made a follow-up with them, but it was a month out.

Two nights later, her seizures seemed to be worse than ever. Whereas before I could hardly catch one on video because they were so random, I took a 75 second video wherein she had three, her muscles locking up for a second and then forcing her to take a stumbled step forward. And then another. And another.

Her neurology appointment was still a month away, so I called our normal vet who asked me (after seeing the video) if she seemed mostly herself or mostly…not. I had to say not, and he agreed. The last three weeks of her life (ever since the eye surgery) seemed to be shit. She was in pain from her eye and the upped seizure meds didn’t seem to be making any difference. So I brought her in a couple hours later, after having all the good treats she wasn’t able to normally have, after she got to sniff all her favorite bushes and trees, and said goodbye a week ago today.

I don’t know if any of it wasn’t a mistake. Did I not give the seizure meds enough time? Was there something else we could’ve tried? Couldn’t I have waited just a couple days more so I could’ve spent more time with her? Why did I ever agree to that stupid eye surgery? I know I did the best I could with the information I had, but I honestly still regret all of it.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. Give your babies the love and patience they deserve, because you will never regret being kind to them.