I feel like I’m failing my dog

I’m sorry, I know this is long. I don’t expect anyone to read all of this, I just need to get it off my chest.

I love my dog so much, and I would do anything for her, but I feel like I’m failing her and it breaks my heart. She’s an 8 year old labradoodle, and I’ve had her since she was 3 months old. Since day one, I promised her that I would give her the best life possible.

We used to go for hikes on the weekend, swam in the summer, and her walks were always a non-negotiable. Didn’t matter if it was -30 outside, raining, or if I was feeling lazy, she’d get two walks every day for at least 30 minutes. We’d play hide and seek, practice tricks, play fetch, tug of war, and she’d get off leash time to get her zoomies out. She’s just always been physically and mentally active.

I was so excited when I moved into my first place, since there’s a forest near us that she could be off leash in (it’s a specifically designated spot for dogs) and it meant more off leash opportunities. She only got two months of that extra freedom before it was all ripped away. She unfortunately fractured a molar and it needed to be removed. She hasn’t been the same since the surgery.

I don’t know what happened, but she lost the use of her hind legs. The first two months were rough. She was bed bound, limited to 5 minutes total for exercise, and was dealing with incontinence. She was miserable and I could tell she was feeling guilty. She’d only ever had 1 accident inside, and that was the first night I had brought her home.

I took her to a neurologist, did physical therapy and eventually towards the end of her bed rest, she was getting better. Enough for us to walk around the neighbourhood, provided she wore boots to protect her back paws since she was knuckling. I thought she’d recover. I put her in physical therapy, we did hydrotherapy, laser, acupuncture, and I did my best to do her exercises at home. I feel so guilty that I didn’t do them consistently, because I’d get so frustrated with her. It wasn’t her fault though.

Eventually, I stopped the physical therapy because 1. It was really expensive, and 2. It honestly wasn’t making much of an impact on her mobility. She now uses a wheelchair, and it took a while for her to get used to it. I cried when she finally started using it. She seems to prefer there being snow on the ground, so I’m not sure how willing she’ll be to use it in the summer.

The wheelchair allows us to go for walks now, but she’s so limited. She has to stay on the road, since she obviously can’t really go up onto the curbs, if we walk forest trails, she can’t explore through the trees, she can’t go off leash and run around anymore. If there’s too much snow, it’s harder for her to move around. I’m just so sad. Grateful that she has a means of getting around, but so sad that she’s so limited.

She’s still full of life, she loves sitting outside in the yard watching squirrels, cuddling on the couch, being near me. She often picks up her toys to play, especially when the cats are running around. But she struggles getting around and usually needs my help. She used to get so excited for her walks, and now she sometimes doesn’t want to get out of bed. She still loves her walks, but she hates getting ready for them (boots, harness, wheelchair).

I just really miss seeing her tail wag, and seeing her run around with other dogs. I hate that she can’t jump up on the couch when she feels like it, and that we can’t play hide and seek anymore because of her legs. I try to give her kongs, and puzzles, but sometimes I can’t help but feel like she’s so bored and that I’m failing her. She ends up sleeping a lot because there isn’t much else she can do.

I just want her to know how much I love her, and I want her to be happy.